Like a fool I thought there was only two real candidates for president, the ones fielded by the Republican and Democratic parties. I have since been disabused of that naive notion by the current leading authority on American political movements, Noot, who also happens to be my high school pal. There are, in fact, nearly three hundred people in the race for President. They are all listed at the Project Vote Smart
website. Most of these people have filed a statement of candidacy or at least told the Federal Election Commission that they have formed a campaign committee. Some have only expressed an interest in being President.
This site tells me a lot of scary information. For example, John McCain's middle name is Sidney. Now, I'm for McCain but this Sidney business gives me pause. McCain and his foxy wife Cindy have a total of seven kids together. It makes me wonder if this whole campaign for President is just an excuse for him to get away from the house.
There are dozens of Republicans and Democrats running. For example, Yaphet Kotto is running as a Republican. I loved him as Mr. Big in "Live and Let Die." Abdul (Kareem) Muhammad is a Muslim out of Long Beach, CA running on Republican ticket. Ain't gonna happen, buddy.
It's odd that Hillary Rodham Clinton lists her maiden name, like it might dilute that Clinton name. The Emperor Caesar is also running as a Democrat, but he's way too easy to confuse with Hillary. That's gonna hurt him. Name confusion is going to hurt Robert Anthony "Ram Rod" Gibson. Ram Rod. Rodham. Let's call the whole thing off. However, Heather Fox is running as a Democrat with a name that just sounds like she's hot but she doesn't post a headshot so she's not getting my vote.
Andy Clown Miannay is running as an Independent. No thanks, Andy, we've already suffered through a clown for president in the '90s. No more, I say. No. More.
Susan Gail Ducey is a registered nurse with a husband and two kids in Sedgwick County, Kansas. She has an associates degree in nursing from Highline Community College, 1989, and volunteers as a nurse in the local hospital but wouldn't mind being president. Republican. She sounds nice enough and being President would probably solve her daycare problems. On the other hand, I resolutely oppose the candidacy of Philipp A. Kok, Republican, because he has a name that lends itself too easily to phone pranks. I don't want to see the headlines that would come of such a presidency.
Jesus Bilal Islam Allah 'Alfred Lawrence Patterson' Muhammed professes the religion of "Almighty God - Almighty God is Everything That Exist" and boasts a grade point average of 2.8 from the year he spent at Wayne County Community College. That's better than Teddy Kennedy's first year at college. He's worked as an assistant janitor and security guard. We've had plenty of lawyer presidents, too many, but never a janitor. It may be time.
By contrast, I have no love for Vermin Love 'Sparky' Supreme who's running as a Republican. He's an "activist," naturally, who works in construction and as street theater performer. He professes the "Old Time" religion, which might be a brand of beer. He's run for mayor of Baltimore, where I think he probably couldn't do much more harm to the city than the present crew.
John Joseph "JJ" Kennedy is a 54-year-old unmarried Democrat, who pulled down a 3.7 GPA during his first and only year of college. From there, he was a male fashion model for Kim Dawson Modeling and JoAnn Fullerton Models. Since then he's been protesting the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) and the government's weather manipulation. He doesn't like nuclear testing, either, and wants the war in Iraq stopped. He sounds dumb enough to be a Kennedy. I'm suspicious of a male model who can't find a wife. That should be his first priority, though we may have to wait for gay civil unions to be legal.
Gene Amondson is running for the Prohibition Party. Dude, your time has come and gone. Jacques Yves Boulerice of the Native American Party sounds way too French to be our President. James Louis Dezort Watchman, Independent Party, has a name that sounds too much like a convicted serial killer. Robert Coleman Jorgenson who lists his party as "Other" is out because I'll never vote for a president too lazy to even make up a name for a fake party. For Pete's sake, couldn't you come up with something, anything, like the "Mom, Flag, & Apple Pie" Party? Who could be against that?
God Johan Josephe Lally also hails from the "Other" party. He's a dairy farmer and Vegetarian Benedictine priest married to Virgin Mary John Lally Burtz and practices the Catholic Teutonic religion. He claims to be self-educated. I can't help but think that giving him the reins of power would be opening a real can of worms here.
Bradley K. Lord-Leutwyler of the "None" party has a law degree. He claims to be a visiting lecturer at the University of Las Vegas and teaches college test prep for Kaplan. He's out. We had a whole revolution to kick out British overlords with names like Lord-Leutwyler and we're not letting them crawl back in now.
There are scads of Green Party and Libertarians including Cynthia Ann McKinney from the Green Party and the Peace and Freedom Party. However, Noot and my eyes are drawn to Jackson Kirk Grimes from the United Fascist Union who lists his religion as Pagan and boasts of being a Storm Trooper in the Facist Freedom Front from 1967-1975. Hmmm, impressive. Ya kinda think that this candidacy is the result of a bet in some biker bar, but you never know. I'm not too crazy about his membership in the Impeach Bush Movement but then he's a member of the Screen Actor's Guild, so he probably has to do that stuff to get jobs.
Grimes wants to abolish Christianity and substitute classical Roman Paganism combined with Fascism as practiced by Mussolini in Italy. His platform is to abolish paper money, establish a "Universal Price Index" that freezes and then reduces commodity prices, and then create a "Confederacy of States" as a step toward a global government based on Corporate Statism. He's laid it all out on The Jerry Springer Show so he's legit.
However, the most persuasive argument for Grimes is his claim to have played Adolph Hitler in an episode of Star Trek. Unfortunately, his name doesn't seem to come up in the Internet Movie Database, but if he can prove this, he might just have my vote. It's not so much that I'm for anything that he proposes but rather that he's so freaky deaky out there that I'm crazy curious just to see what would happen if he was president.
Another keen observer of the political scene, Mike, by coincidence another high school pal, is considering running for President on the "Cold Beer Party" ticket: "We're adamantly opposed to stores that sell cold beer at lukewarm temperatures and believe the proprietors should have their heads shaved, they should be stripped naked, their butts paint blue, and then kicked out into traffic."
It's got a certain populist appeal and who wouldn't vote for Cold Beer?