Sunday, April 09, 2006

Doc Treats Patients With Time Travel

James Burda, a chiropractor practicing in Athens, Ohio claims he can cure his patients ills by going back in time to treat the injury before it happenned. It's so simple, you wonder why nobody thought of this before.

Dr. Burda calls his approach "Bahlaqeem." Burda writes, "It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters." Burda's website explains that "Bahlaqeem is a long distance healing service (not a product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my office."

Burda explains that he discovered Bahlaqeem by accident about six years ago: "My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away." Capitalizing on this new-found gift, Burda has been treating people long distance over the phone and Internet. The first session is free though visits after that are $60 each, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

The results have been astounding, as you might expect. Burda claims nine out of ten patients are satisfied with the time travel treatment. His website features glowing testimonials from his patients. In fact, this treatment not only cures humans, but pets as well. A testimonial from the Bahlaqeem website:

"I am a 10 year old Bassett Hound and I have been in a lot of pain in my neck area. I would even wake up during the night and yowl from the pain. My owner called Jim Burda and described the way I was moping around and walking with my head down. Over the phone he was able to work on me. He found the area in my vertebrae that was out of place and was able to manipulate it into place. I am feeling much better and I hold my head up high again. There hasn’t been a reason to yelp now for several weeks! Thank you." DaisyMae

Sadly, this revolutionary new treatment has been badly received by his peers, probably out of jealousy. The Ohio State Chiropractic Board claims he is insane, charging that he is "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."

All I can say is that it is a sad day in America when promising new medical treatments like Bahlaqeem are stopped by simple slander from medical authorities who cling to science, afraid to boldly go where no scientist has been before.


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