Taking The Breakup A Bit Too Hard

Jakub Fik, 33, a Pole residing in Chicago was having big, big problems with his girlfriend back in Poland so he went on a freaking rampage in his neighborhood, smashing car windows and breaking into an unoccupied home, where the cops cornered him. Somewhere in the middle of his rampage, Fik decided to cut off his penis. As the police moved in to restrain him, he flung a bunch of knives at them along with his penis in a clever but ineffective ploy to distract them. After he went back for a second set of knives, Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District Tasered him into submission. Says Dolan, "About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis." According to expert opinion, the sidewalk is the last place you should keep your penis. Nor did this dramatic act solve Fik's girlfriend problems, but rather accentuated them.

Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, gave a good prognosis for recovery, "As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good." That's a handy fact to keep in the back of your mind when you have girlfriend trouble.