Midwest Lutherans Reject Suicide Bombing
"By an almost two-to-one margin, Midwest Lutherans voiced solid opposition to decapitation, suicide bombing, and chemical warfare in a new comprehensive survey of their social attitudes.
The Pew Research survey, conducted May 13-19, queried nearly 2,500 randomly selected Lutherans at flea markets and convenience stores across the Midwest. Interviews were conducted in High Plains Twang, Great Lakes Nasal and Flat Ohio Valley Bland.
'If there is one headline here, it's how remarkably moderate the Lutheran community is,' said Pew director Andrew Kohut of the survey, which was co-sponsored by the Council on American-Yooper Relations. 'It really paints a picture of a dynamic culture in or somewhere near the American mainstream.'
Although a majority 87% of respondents agreed that "The world should be brought to submission under global Lutheran conquest and eternal perfect rule," there was a great deal of disagreement on the means to accomplish it. More than 95% supported "pancake breakfasts" and "popcorn fundraisers," but support dropped to less than 80% for "cow tipping" and "T-P'ing infidel houses." Support dropped even more dramatically for more violent means of conquest, such as "suicide bombing" (28%), "decapitation" (24%), and "running over Presbyterians with my Ski-Doo" (23%).
'Taken as a whole, the results show that Midwest Lutherans emphatically support a moderate, mainstream path to world domination,' said Kohut. 'These folks are well-assimilated into the broad fabric of American society, and unless you are Presbyterian, there is probably very little here to cause concern.'"
While this is some long-awaited good news in a world awash in religious strife, there is still work to be done to make Lutheranism a religion of peace, like Islam.